Dog Years

Meat Eater was walking me this A.M.  A woman stopped and said "oh what a beautiful gait your dog has!" (We love compliments).
Then she asked "How old is he?"

Me, I Barked

"Seven," Meat Eater replied.
I'm closer to eight, but hey this is L.A. everybody lies about their age.

What, Me Naked?

Piano Player laughs at this. He says I don't have to worry--I'm always naked. Then again, I don't take the bus often.
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-0908-public-nudity-20110908,0,4290865.story

Pinkelponkers Etc.

Looks like Vegetarian wrote about me in her garden column. She recommends Truffaut's Wild Child. Reminded of the tenderness in dogs and how far we came to be with mankind, she puts her head on my shoulder and cries. C'est la vie bipeds!   
Me I looked askance.
http://patch.com/A-lGhM

How the Heck Did I Get to This!

Ugggh!

Beatrice has been spayed. She has licked her hot pink stitches until her bipeds broke down and put this collar around her neck. Some who choose to see the glass as half full can imagine her as Queen Elizabeth. All she needs is a pair of heels. Those of us on all fours see it as humiliation. Beatrice looks conflicted. She has the happy pink tongue while her eyes are saying, "Why I oughta..."
B, my long-distance crush, I can only give you this advice: soon you'll forget it all and can go back to what we do. Me, I licked extra today for you.

Fuck you, Coco. Bugger off, Edge!

I am licking burrs. The Vegetarian has come over to the couch to pull them from my paws. Her caffeinated rant starts with with Coco Chanel...Nazi collaborator and now, in a new book, uncovered as a Nazi spy and rabid Anti-Semite. "Fuck you, Coco," she says. "And anyone who wears Chanel on the red carpet and sings her praises is on my shitlist. That includes you Rose Byrne (pictured), Keira Knightley, Rachel Zoe, Kathy Griffin, Mila Kunis, Emma Stone, Blake Lively....." She has a long list.
She tells the PianoPlayer: "I will throw out my bottle of Chanel 19, the signature perfume of my youth."
Next up: U2's The Edge, "You have too much money. You can't hide behind the label of artist. You need TO COME BACK DOWN TO EARTH, dude. This multi-whatever compound you're building, the one that destroys the ridgeline in Malibu, is hubris. You and your groovy architects should all be slapped around by Barbra Streisand. Hope this greedy land grab along with the shitty songs in your Broadway musical costs you your reputation as a rebel."
Now Vegetarian has finished reading the newspaper, having laughed out loud at Chris Erskine's always funny Saturday Man of the House column in LA Times. http://www.latimes.com/features/home/la-hm-erskine-aug20-20110820,0,3197436.column . She plants another of those deep mulch kisses on my overturned ear.
Me I licked.

What do you mean funny, funny how? A guest column from my friend Maxy

Guest Columnist Maxy

There's a new breed of "artist." They don't suffer for their art; they make you suffer for it. First up, I hear the singer with a voice as lovely as a dental tool. Owee. Your art is hurting me. The smoking guy next door plays acoustic guitar with the finesse of a fart on a gurnee. His doctor prescribes an awesome amount of bed rest. Finally we have the Wampum artist who smiles when he tells you you are hated and waves his inky hands saying, "pay up." Hey I ain't no Warren Buffett. There's a recession going on.
Speaking of which, that "hip" slacker, in a fancy little stocking cap (in the summer!), new mustache and torn jeans, deserves a slap in the face. Nothing says non-conformity like standing in line for the ATM at B of A. So hey dude, do us all a favor and cover your mouth when coughing continuously behind us. Back off germ carrier or I'll bark!

HSUS IS GOOD, AMERICAN HUMANE ASSOC. SUCKS guest columnist Maxy weighs in

Maxy

I've spent alot of years on the planet. Don't doubt me. When they were going to shoot deer in the North Shore hamlet of Highland Park, IL the only group that went on record against it was The Humane Society of the United States http://www.humanesociety.org/  Not PETA, not the local anti-cruelty society.

Next. This group that calls itself the American Humane Association is a shill for Hollywood movie studios. They have trademarked "No animals were harmed in the making of this movie." Ha! They were harmed. It's just been covered up. In fact the group has gamed the system. If you google them, the first hundred or so results are all linked to them and are oh so positive. Screw 'em.

Also, when we had proof that greyhounds were being taken from racetracks and used illegally in animal experiments at a major university, guess how much help we got from PETA? Zero. They just want your money and to hang out with Paul McCartney. They're a bunch of egomaniacs.

You know who's not a bunch of egomaniacs? Cleveland Amory's Black Beauty Ranch http://blackbeautyranch.org/ and The World Society for the Protection of Animals http://www.wspa-international.org/

Me, I'm Neutered

Ladies and gentlemen...introducing the queen. Here sits Beatrice on her red throne with her "baby." She hasn't eaten the baby yet. Good puppy girl. She's a Dane. Now, I, being an Afghan, get bored with "babies." Sure, I might throw one around. Once. Then I get distracted. It's very hard, people, to keep an Afghan interested in anything for very long. For example, Afghans run as fast as greyhounds. But, bored with chasing some mock-bunny, we have been spotted sitting down in the middle of a race. Which is good because we aren't exploited in the way greyhounds are.

Anyways, Beatrice is beautiful, c'est vrai? I would like to spend some quality time with her. Just one thing...Me, I'm neutered. Have a nice day.

Me, I Pee

The Vegetarian came home yesterday with a new tree--it's a plum "purple pony." She wants to make up for the thousands of trees that the Park Service plans to cut down in Yosemite. "The park is for people" the Tree Killer explains in the L.A. Times. Anyone who objects is labeled "tree hugger." This is an expression the Vegetarian is SICK OF. She says it's dismissive. She won't be labeled a "kook." Thing is, in our house we all think trees are groovy. PianoPlayer thinks they are beautiful, Vegetarian loves how they protect species. I like to smell them for urine. We all like shade.

Also, about two years ago when the recession was really steaming up, PianoPlayer/Meateater suggested Steve Jobs replace Timothy Geithner. Today the L.A. times reports that Apple is richer than the US government. PianoPlayer has lots of good ideas. Like the angle at which to hold my head while my teeth get brushed.

On my morning walk with PianoPlayer, a woman stopped in her car with a black dog in her lap. She found him running loose on the busy street yesterday afternoon and took him home, kept him overnight and went out looking again for its owner. No Lost Dog signs were up. When we got home, PianoPlayer described the dog to Vegetarian, who was making coffee. She thinks it's the gypsy's dog, he runs loose all the time. She calls the woman's number on the flyer and Vegetarian says if the black dog is the gypsy's, the nice lady who took him in should keep him.

Screw the park service, Steve Jobs can save the world, the gypsy has no dog to kick, the neighbors are rude. For the bipeds, the purple pony will partially block the view of the Rude People. For my part: Me, I'll pee.